


Match Made

by ElloMenoP



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: M/M, shy sniper, virgin scout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:32:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3292136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElloMenoP/pseuds/ElloMenoP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr request. Spy makes it his business to unite Sniper and Scout in a beautiful romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Match Made

As a general rule of thumb for spies, it was recommended to never tamper with anything pertaining to your mission. The point of a spy was almost always to only gather information and report back to your superior; rarely did missions ever include anything more intrusive. Despite this careful and rigorous training, Spy liked to meddle in all sorts of things, especially romance. He took credit for uniting Heavy and Medic, and even though it didn’t work out, Spy still counted the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier’s brief affair as a success.

When he looked at Sniper and Scout’s obvious yearning for one another and their inherent lack of dating skills Spy decided he had to intervene. It would be a crime against romance not to. It was going to be challenge, the Sniper was too reserved and quiet to ever make the first move, and Scout was clueless when it came to dating. Spy was certain that Scout had never had so much as a date with another human being, he was a virgin in every sense of the word. He’d never been on a date, never made it past an offensive pick up line, and he never had sex.

Though that didn’t stop him from bragging. Every chance Scout got he made ridiculous claims about his sexual prowess, claims so absurd it was impossible to believe him. “Are you kidding me? I am a master at sex. The best, I am so good at hand jobs, and you know, with my…my mouth.”

“Oh yeah?” Engineer asked with a sly grin. “You’re a master of hand jobs?”

Scout puffed his chest up. “Of course I am.”

“Then give us some tips, Casanova,” Demoman barked with laughter.

“Uh, well,” Scout’s mouth went dry and he could feel sweat gathering at every pore. “You know, a-a gentle grip-”

“Gentle grip?” Demo scoffed with a laugh, he was gearing up to really mess with the boy.

“I mean not too gentle or nothing,” Scout backtracked. “Still, firm and…and like you’re…”

“Like what?” Engie prodded with a smile.

“Like…like,” Scout stumbled for words.

“Like?” They waited expectantly.

“Like you’re milking a cow!” Scout blurted out. The two men fell into hysterics, slapping their knees and gulping for air. Embarrassment couldn’t begin to describe Scout’s feelings, he had always hated his inexperience, in every part of his life sex, school, age, but people never laughed at him when he said he’d never driven a car before.

“Now I know that’s a bold faced lie,” Engineer said after he recovered. Scout could see his street-cred disappearing, and Engineer could see the distress on the boy’s face. “I know for a fact a city slicker like you ain’t never milked a cow.”

Engineer and Demoman snickered; teasing Scout about his inexperience was always a round of good fun. It was a never ending joke because Scout never realized how obvious his virginity was, but it created a problem for Spy. At some point Scout began to believe his own exaggerated tales, he was so confident in his skills that he didn’t realize how terrible he really was.

If Scout was a challenge, then Sniper was almost impossible. The man was so reclusive Spy only discovered his interest in the runner through a year’s worth of careful observation. There were never any bright flashing signs that pointed to his attraction, only tiny inclinations that Spy had to piece together. The first clue was the man’s social interaction, Sniper almost never spent time with the team until Scout joined, then suddenly he was a regular at dinner and present during downtime.

At first, Spy thought the Australian was bored with his lonely lifestyle, but he noticed a rather odd tolerance for Scout’s yammering. The Sniper could sit in the common room and listen to Scout’s idiotic stories and nonstop bragging, but the second the boy was done, and he was left with any other team mate, the Sniper left immediately.

The second clue was Sniper’s peeping tom habit. The marksman liked to watch others through his riflescope. Normally he’d set his sights on the opposite team, occasionally gathering useful information for battles. Recently, Spy had been seeing Sniper’s laser dot following Scout around the map, far too often to just be providing cover.

The last and final confirmation often made Spy cringe with second hand embarrassment. Sniper’s actual interactions with Scout were awkward and confusing, it was no wonder that Scout had no idea Sniper liked him. For one thing, he almost never talked to Scout, mostly listened and worshiped everything Scout was doing, but if he did say something it was always mortifying.

“My first girlfriend was a sheep, she had a really soft fleece,” Sniper mumbled.

“Wait, you dated a sheep? Is that like Australian slang or somethin’?” Scout looked a little off-put.

Sniper’s response was so low muttered that Scout could only politely nod and laugh it off, but Spy heard thanks to his hidden microphones, and he shuddered to think of Sniper and his first three girlfriends. Sheep could not comprehend the strange things Sniper managed to stammer, but Scout could.

This is why Spy had to take matters into his own hands. The plan of attack was a tried and true scheme, all they had to do was spend a little time alone and certainly they’d realize their feelings for one another, and tonight would be the perfect night for putting the plan into effect. They were switching bases, and luckily the new base was only a short drive away. All he had to do was make the driving arrangements.

He had Pyro riding with Heavy and Medic, Engineer with Demoman and Soldier, he’d ride blissfully alone, and that would leave Scout with Sniper. Excellent.

“Come on, Scout!” Soldier jogged into the common room and looking back at the runner and waiting for him to catch up. “Late is disorderly!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Scout waved him off as he entered the room with a single duffle bag.

Spy held back an exasperated sigh. “Soldier, what are you doing here? Engineer already left.”

Soldier gave him a dopey smile. “That’s okay, Spy, I’ll ride with the grumpy camper and Scout.” His arm shot out and pulled Scout into a friendly but forceful hold, Scout appeared uncomfortable. “It’ll be great!”

“No, no that is unacceptable.” Spy could see his blissful car ride slowly driving off without him as he offered, “Soldier, you can ride with me.”

“Great! Can I bring this jar of honey?” Soldier pulled out a large, and sticky jar of golden liquid.

The upholstery of Spy’s sports-car was going to hate him. “Fine,” he conceded. “But you must keep your clothes on.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Scout commented. “I better hurry up.” He hiked a thumb over his shoulder toward the door.

Spy hurried to grab Soldier and leave before Scout did. “ _Non_ , no, you and Sniper take your time, there’s no rush.”

Then he led Soldier by the hand, already sticky with honey, outside to his car. The sacrifices he made for love, and all without recognition. After a long and painful drive with Soldier, that included the complete destruction of his car’s interior and his own custom hand stitched suit they finally arrived at the new base. He was aggravated, but as soon as he saw Sniper and Scout entering the base hand in hand he’d know it was a small price to pay.

However, when the two did finally arrive, Scout casually walked past everyone to his new room completely alone, while Sniper didn’t even enter the base. Spy was bewildered, his methods were perfect, he quickly followed Scout to question him.

“Scout, how was the ride up?” He plastered a genuine looking smile on his face.

The runner shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah, we listened to the radio.”

“And?”

“And what?”

Spy could hardly believe it. “Didn’t you talk?”

“Ehh, not really.” Scout started to unpack his things, signaling there was nothing left to be discussed.

Spy was left alone in the hall, trying to figure out where he went wrong. He went to his mental strategy room, imagined a large chalkboard with numerous intricate plans, blueprints, theorems, poetry, everything needed to make love happen. “Now where did I go wrong?” He mused.

Perhaps the environment? Sniper’s van was pathetic and repugnant, definitely hard to maintain a romantic mood there. Or maybe there were too many distractions? Scout had a tendency for tunnel vision if there was a baseball game involved, he wondered if they’d had been listening to AM or FM radio. Or worse, what if Sniper said something so asinine that there was no recovering from it? Or what if it had been Scout? There were too many possibilities, too many variables.

How would he fix this? A little more time together should do the trick, more time and no chance of escape. “Yes, this is perfect, this will work.” Spy almost felt like laughing, like ringing his hands together in homage to movie masterminds.

“Hello Spy!” Soldier appeared out of nowhere and slapped the Frenchman’s back with a honey covered hand.

Spy made a disgusted noise, “Ewweugh!”

“Did you get the honey out of your car yet?”

“No, I have to take it to a specialist thanks to you,” Spy sneered, and tried to remove Soldier’s hand without spreading the mess.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled. “What are you doing here? Were you talking to yourself?”

Spy scowled. “No, of course not.”

“That’s good because if you were then Medic might hook a car battery to your brain.”

“Is that what he did to you?” Spy asked dryly while walking away, it was time to put his improved plan into motion.

“I can hear radio stations without using the radio!”

Spy rolled his eyes. “Wonderful.”

His new plan was the old plan, force the two together, the sexual tension would build and finally they’d act on it. All Spy had to do was rearrange the outpost duties, the one perk of their newest snowy mountain base was that two members had to be on lookout duty. It sounded boring and uneventful, but in reality it was a paid vacation. It was the perfect setting for Scout to get to know Sniper, and with no option of leaving, even if Sniper said something off-putting Scout would have to deal with it.

The hardest part of plan was breaking into Engineer’s workshop and forging the month’s work orders, but still an easy task for a spy of his caliber. By the next morning Engineer was reading out each mercenary’s directives while, to Spy’s delight, Sniper watched Scout with a longing in his eyes. He even saw the flash of smile when Engineer told the two of them they’d be stationed at the outpost together.

Nothing could get in the way now.

—-

Damn the BLU team, damn them to hell!

Spy was furious, the lengths he went through to ensure Sniper and Scout had a romantic week together were ruined when the BLU team felt it in their best interest to send a train full of explosives speeding toward their base. To think he snuck up to the outpost in the freezing night to chop wood for their roaring fire, or that he’d left a two bottles of imported champagne for them, or all the trouble he went through disposing of the second bed. All for naught.

“Yeah, yeah, so then Snipes is like, flooring it right? As fast as that piece a shit van can go, and I just jump out the window…”

Scout was telling his heroic tale for the hundredth time, and surprisingly the team was humoring him. It had to be high spirits over their unexpected victory, otherwise Heavy would have rung Scout’s neck by the third retelling. Spy wasn’t in as high spirits as the others, he left the hustle of the common room to think in peace, to plan something better. He didn’t think he’d find the Sniper lurking behind a corner.

“Ah, bushman, how were your adventures in cliff diving?”

He got a mumbled response and that’s all Spy would have expected. He saw the way Sniper stayed focused on Scout, how his eyes followed every dramatic movement, and the ghost of a smile that graced his lips whenever Scout said Sniper’s name. Spy sighed, with men as clueless as these two he only saw one plan working, a straight forward one.

“Sniper, tell me, what did you think of Scout’s exploits?”

“Huh?” Sniper’s eyes left the common room to star blankly at Spy. “Good, I guess.”

“Just good?” Spy prompted for more.

The marksman took a step back, as if trying to physically get away from Spy’s words. “I don’t know, he was heroic,” Sniper started, and from the encouraging look he got from Spy he continued, “daring, selfless. He was…he was amazing.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Spy gently asked.

Sniper’s dreamy look disintegrated and he shook his head. “What? No, no I can’t!”

“Why not? Scout loves compliments.”

“I just can’t!” Sniper was looking for an exit, quickly moving to the door before Spy could question him further.

“Sniper, wait.” Spy grabbed the Australian’s arm. “I know you want Scout.”

The man looked mortified, he shook his head and stumbled for words. “N-no I don’t!”

All Spy had to do was arch a brow to get him to crumble.

“Please don’t tell him,” Sniper begged.

“Of course I’m not going to tell him.” Spy patted Sniper’s shoulder and open the door to the outside for him. “You are.”

—-

“Wait, Spy, why are we going to Sniper’s van again?”

Spy clenched his teeth, he had migraine forming thanks to Scout endless questions. “ _We_  are not going to Sniper’s,  _you_  are.”

“But why?”

Once again Scout proved himself to be a child.

“Scout, please,” Spy said sharply. He grabbed the handle to Sniper’s door, opened it and pushed Scout inside. “Just shut your mouth for once and listen to what Sniper has to say.”

Then he quickly slammed the door shut and sat down on the little metal steps leading up the van’s entrance. He cloaked himself out respect, then pulled a drinking glass out of his suit pocket. It wasn’t his most sophisticated tool, but then again, the Sniper-Scout operation wasn’t his most sophisticated plan. He put the glass to the door and pressed his ear against the other end.

What was it Sniper just mumbled? Did he say, ‘I love you?’ Spy silently prayed for Sniper to gain instantaneous confidence. Then he heard Scout’s voice, and Spy tried not to groan.

“…sorry, what was that?” Scout asked.

Sniper mumbled, again too low for Spy to hear, and apparently Scout.

“Uh, sorry, man, you gotta speak up.”

Sniper cleared his throat and Spy could feel it in his bones, he was going to do it! Sniper’s voice faltered for a second, but he spoke out a clear and loud sentence, “You broke my mirror.”

Spy nearly fell over.

“Oh, sorry I forgot about that,” Scout apologized. “I’ll pay for it.”

“All right,” Sniper awkwardly agreed.

That’s when Spy had had enough, how can his straight forward approach not be straight forward enough? Was he going to have to physically force them to kiss? He smashed his glass to the ground and ripped open the door, he stalked over to Sniper and grabbed him.

“Hey-”

“Shut up!” Spy snapped. He placed Sniper right in Scout’s face. “Now say it!”

Sniper opened his mouth but no words came out.

“Come on,” Spy coaxed. “Just like we practiced.”

Sniper still anxiously avoided Scout’s eyes and tried to back out of Spy’s grip.

“Don’t you want this?” Spy sharply asked.

“Yes of course I do!” Sniper yelled back, his shyness taking a back seat to his frustrated desires. “Of course I want him!”

“Wait what?” Scout did a double take between Spy and Sniper.

“I’m keen on you…really keen.”

“Oh.” The realization hit Scout and a slow, goofy smile spread across his face. “Oh.”

Spy watched with elation as Sniper returned the smile. He took that as his queue to leave, exited the camper with every intention of rewarding himself for a job well done, even if it was sloppy work. He got no more than ten feet away when he heard the door creak open and Scout step out. “Okay, goodnight.”

Goodnight? They just started!

He spun back around and looked at Scout expectantly.

The runner rubbed the back of his neck and looked everywhere except at Spy. “Look, Spy, I got a confession to make. It’s a big one so, you know, try and take it easy when I tell ya.” Scout took a big breath and said with all seriousness, “I’m a virgin.”

Spy brought the palm of his hand up to his face, he could feel his migraine getting worse by the second.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, if you want to take a minute go ahead,” Scout offered.

“Yes, it certainly is.”

Scout nodded, the sarcasm lost on him. Eventually Spy asked, “But what does that have to do with you and Sniper?”

“I can’t do it, I built myself up too much he’s gonna expect some sorta sex god.”

For once, in the short time he’s known Scout, Spy didn’t feel annoyed. He felt something akin to fondness, not the fondness reserved for distant family members or even a pet, a kind of fondness one might have for a stray animal that constantly knocked over your garbage cans.

“Scout,” Spy gently placed both hands on the boy’s shoulders and looked him in the eye, “I can assure you no one thinks you are a sex god.”

“But what if-”

He spun Scout around to face the van and pushed him toward the door. “Practice makes perfect,” he promised him.

—-

A month later and Spy was in the same position with a drinking glass outside of Sniper’s pathetic camper van. He pressed his ear to the glass, listening intently to Sniper and Scout’s interaction. They had been doing very well, a few awkward beginnings, but Sniper waited for Scout after battles in the open rather than creeping behind a corner. Scout’s own progression in regards to intercourse were what Spy was listening for just now.

He could hear shuffling and snippets of their conversation. Things like, “Is that good?” and, “…going too fast?” or, “just like that!” All very promising in Spy’s opinion, and he felt pride swell in his chest at the confirmation of a job well done.

“Spy! What are you doing?”

The Frenchman jumped characteristically and spun around to see Soldier’s beaming face. He sighed, feeling a weariness take hold of him. “Nothing, go away.”

“Are you listening to Sniper and Scout?” He questioned and stepped closer to the Spy. Too close, right into his personal space, he even reached for the glass so he could have a listen too.

“Soldier, stop it!” Spy pushed him forcefully on his broad chest, but that hardly moved him.

“I want to listen too!”

“Go listen to your radio stations,” Spy snapped and tried to focus on the two men inside the camper.

Soldier deflated. “All I can pick up is static.”

Spy ignored him in favor for Scout’s labored breathing and quietest encouragements from Sniper. Soldier got even closer, leaning over Spy and pressing his chest to the Frenchman’s back, reaching for the glass so he could hear.

“Spy, what’s happening?”

“Shh!”

“But I wanna know too!”

“Shut up!” Spy snapped. “Scout is losing his virginity!”

“Oh.” Soldier quietly backed off, then sat still for a moment next to Spy on the steps of Sniper’s van. “Spy?”

“What?”

“What’s ‘virginity’?”

“A very stupid social construct.”

“Spy?”

“Hmm?”

“Am I a virgin?”

Spy’s attention snapped to the American. He placed the glass down and turned to the face him, eyed his physique. “Are you inviting me to find out?”

Soldier’s answer was a smile.

Spy stood up from the steps and held a hand out for Soldier. “Come, let’s see if I can change your static to symphonies.”

“Wait!” Soldier looked back to the camper. “Can we bring the glass?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise Freedom Fries!!! :D  
> A NSFW second part is coming up!  
> Need to be set up? Look no further --> [ello-meno-p](http://ello-meno-p.tumblr.com/)


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